The Scarlett Letters - Self Reflection

Definitions of Normal

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 08:00:00 -0500

I’ve been confused lately.

Very confused.

From the whirlwind of work, schedules and happy hours to the swirling of thoughts in my head and emotions in my heart.

Maybe I’ll be able to think more clearly after he leaves and my life will take on some semblance of normalcy and of “me” again. But between surviving three relationships, two different jobs and one sexual assault in the past two years, how can I even remember what “normal” is anymore?

“Normally”, when a relationship was becoming rocky, or there was an end in sight, I’d be out scheduling dates and parties with either the trusty standby’s in my little black book. These included generally attractive, fun guys that I have met during my tenure in the District out of which relationships never materialized for one reason or another. However, platonic friendship never Quite developed in their place. At any rate, these are all excellent candidates for lively dinner, happy hour or movie going companions easing moi back into a the single mentally and solo lifestyle.

But I haven’t so much as perused my phone contacts list in contemplation of an augmentation of my social life.

So perhaps the definition has changed – or have I?

Frankly,

P.S. The meeting of Mr. & Mrs. Army went well - as predicted, much wine was consumed. Thankfully, the meeting did not necessitate the need for hard liquor. I was, as predicted, underwhelmed by inclusion into the Army family dynamic. However, I did not spend the majority of the weekend dwelling on where I was not. Which, I think is a step forward?

Crazy Town

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 15:49:18 -0500

Yesterday, I was elected, via popular vote plus an almost unanimous bid from the super delegates (Britney Spears and Michael Jackson pulled two votes each) the sole party candidate for the Presidential election of Crazy Town. I am currently attempting to withdraw my candidacy effective immediately, but the locals keep pulling me back in with bribes of happy pills and bottles of wine.

I have severe reservations about disclosing the exact events and/or circumstances under which I earned a VIP seat on the Express Train to Crazy Town (which bypasses Obsessive-ville, goes way beyond Nuts-o City and stops just short of Lunatic Junction) yesterday afternoon. Let’s just say it was a very, very low point that did no one (least of all ME) any good. A low point, a cavern if you will, which ultimately left me sitting across from Barbie #3 at a Dupont bar last night recounting my ride to Crazy Town whilst tears streamed from my red, puffy eyes that I tried to mask oh so cleverly behind Jackie-O sunglasses.

Thankfully, by the time my second Guinness was delivered by what had the be the WORST waiter in the history of food service, the tears had abated and I had re-applied my eye makeup, the evening took a decided turn for the better. By the end of the night, life didn’t seem quite so hopeless, and while I was still VERY crazy, at least I was laughing at my own insanity.

I will spend this weekend waiting to purchase a one way ticket back to the realm of sanity while I try to forget the fact that my friends are at my alma mater without me. And that despite his undeserving behavior, Fuckhead will be with them and I will not. I will try not to remember last year’s reunion and look, instead towards to future and concentrate on the present.

I have a beautiful weekend planned with Army to be spent on the Eastern Shore at a little Bed & Breakfast with sailing, shopping and sea food. Frankly, it sounds infinitely preferable to fraternal drama, substance abuse, and feeling significantly older than my 21 year old, undergraduate counterparts.

Frankly,

Satisfaction Guaranteed

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 12:28:52 -0600

For me, 2008 has not been without its surprises and smiles. The year began on my terms, 30 pounds lighter than I was in October of last year, apartment finally perfect and fixed the way I like (new bed set still needs to be purchased, but other than that…), and had the most fabulous New Year’s Eve imaginable.

Having yet to codify my own ’08 goals, I’ve enjoyed reading the annual declarations of my friends, good intentions for the year to come – reconciling any unfulfillment or dissatisfaction with the past year – and the ways in which they plan to make 2008 that much better.

This topic of resolutions has been weighing somewhat on my mind. Yet sadly, I personally have found it much more complicated to define my plans for the year ahead and my thoughts cannot be packaged quite as neatly as a declaration of ‘this is MY year’ or ‘out with the old’ or ‘my 12 month to-do list is as follows…’ I am hitting a continual roadblock and feel I would be selling myself and 2008 short should I limit the progression of the unfolding 12 months in terms of the ever popular ‘pounds lost’, ‘boyfriends gained’, ‘miles ran’, ‘trips taken’, ‘books read’, ‘tears cried’, ‘disasters avoided’, ‘lessons learned’.

We’ve all experienced the effectiveness of this annual laundry list of self-improvement anyway and frankly, it’s unproductive. It lacks the immediate gratification or the satisfaction we all crave as one must wait a year to say, ‘I did that’ ‘mission accomplished’. And pat yourself on the back – and give yourself a cookie, or a shopping spree, a gold star, or a Caribbean getaway with a hot ex … (hey! we each have our motivators).

This delayed gratification is especially problematic for me, as most of my acquaintances will attest. Patience is a virtue your dear Scarlett does NOT possess – nor am I looking to acquire it anytime soon. When I decide what I want, I usually want it NOW and I will single mindedly pursue it until I am either unyieldingly pushed back, loose interest, or get that which I desired. Any goal that comes with a 12 month shelf life…not for me. And yet, I still engage in this antiquated, (some would say) ‘passe’ tradition.

While I have many goals, dreams and objectives on the docket for 2008, they remain non-corporeal. I’m sure they’ll find a voice eventually but until then, I’ll live for today in lieu of ’08 en bloc and concern myself with the 1/365^th segment of the year that I currently have control over. Frankly, when I go to bed tonight, I’ll know I ran faster than I did yesterday, made the most I could out of today and took a few steps closer to living the life that I know I want to live tomorrow…

A Letter to Summer

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 10:40:38 -0500

Dear Summer,

It is with mixed feelings that I bid you farewell. While your heat and humidity have given me perpetually bad hair and a grueling pedestrian commute, and your sunshine has left me with more freckles and skin damage (despite my shade mongering and daily SPF 30 application), you have left me with your fair share of memories as well.

Oh Summer of 2007, you were definitely my summer for travel – New York, Philly, Chicago, Kentucky, Cleveland, Vegas, Delaware and many states in between. You were my summer of co-habitation. For the first time in my life, under the threat of my father’s disowning me (had he found out), I shared my utility bills, my cat and my apartment keys with a boy. And it was heaven.

You gave me a new niece, born in June, a new brother-in-law, opportunity to see my family at a time other than Christmas, jet-ski races, and quality time with the Russian. You sent me away from the apartment by the White House back to my old stomping grounds of Dupont Circle – just around the corner from my first apartment in DC. And it’s good to be back.

But as much as you gave to me, Summer ’07, you took away family members, some friends and another year as I turned 27.

But in the end, I forgive you as you begin to wander farther away, taking with you your long days and warm nights, leaving me with darker, crisper mornings and football filled Saturdays. I will look forward to seeing your little sister (’08) next year and hope she finds me as much in love and loving life as you did (though you might want to tell her to lay off the freckles the sun bleaching) !

Fondly,

Going Back

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 15:26:14 -0500

While I’m waiting for my boyfriend to pick me up and take me to my 5^th year college reunion. I must confess I’m looking forward to the old friends, $1 pitchers of beer, beautiful picturesque campus, my favorite sandwich at the bar I used to waitress at….

I really haven’t thought much about college since I left it. I spent the majority of my senior year counting the days till I was done that the relief of being out of school lasted well beyond my first summer in the ‘real world’. And I’ve seldom looked back, perhaps to my own detriment at times. But as I’ve been preparing to return, my memories, which seem to appear once every semi-decade, have begun washing over me. Visions of sorority living, classes on the democratization of Latin America, long evenings plunking out Mozart and Rachmaninoff in the corner practice room of the music hall, fraternity formals and reading on the quad have been flashing into my head with the speed of a freight train. I’m sure there will be more memory cinema being played in my head as the weekend wears on.

And as this is the setting where the boyfriend an I first became friends, it will be very special for us. Many of our friends do not yet know we have become an ‘us’ and I’m interested to see their reaction.

I’m generally enthusiastic about the entire weekend and hope college will be as good as I am now remembering it to be.

Have a lovely weekend!

I wish he'd hurry up and get here!!!

Forget Regret, Or Life is Yours to Miss

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Mon, 05 Mar 2007 07:56:00 -0600

So sorry I’ve been silent as of late. Work, life and PMS have left me verbally uninspired and pretty much void of creativity.

Ok, enough excuses.

But you’ll be happy to know that I’m feeling good – about life and its forward momentum. However it is tempered with the usual personal demons of self-doubt and the challenges of getting my life together financially, physically and spiritually, but I have been dealing with ghosts of Scarlett past as well.

I am coming to terms with…for lack of a better explanation…ME. There are certainly many things that I love about myself and there are certainly chunks of time where I strut down the street, usually to the rhythm of an Indie rock song blaring through my Cherry Chocolate phone, thinking ‘God! I LOVE being ME!’ And for the most part, I do.

But with the advent of my 5 year college reunion, I have been overly nostalgic as of late. I am definitely looking forward to going back, but I must say I have mixed feelings about my college experience. I enjoyed myself to be sure but I suppose most of my memories and consequently, my regrets stem from my senior year and I must admit, while my first semester 2001, was the best academically by far, the spring semester left much to be desired in terms of grades, involvement in campus life, social life and friendships.

I regret the fact that I was in such a hurry to get out of school, to abandon the precious tree lined quad and end my stint of living with 60 girls in a house with only 8 showers. I regret the fact that I didn’t take more pleasure in researching and writing my 80 page thesis. I regret I haven’t made more of an effort to keep in touch with college friends. I regret the fact that I was so preoccupied with the fact that I was essentially done with school that I neglected my sorority functions. And I think I’m a bit apprehensive to go back more because I’ve convinced myself that still 5 years later, people will remember me as the gal who didn’t go to the little sister ceremony her senior year because she was working on her thesis!

But as I write this I find myself thinking about who I want to see when I go back. And what I remember about them. And I must admit, I don’t remember the bad things so much. I know my little sister and I lived together for two years – and while we fought…quite a bit near the end, I can’t even remember what it was about. I can’t recall who was at which sorority functions or who was absent. I cannot recall the petty arguments that went on amongst silly sorority girls – no doubt the result of too much estrogen, hormones, over exposure to daytime tv and usually incited by a combination of cheap wine, beer, jungle juice or ‘yank me crank me’ (a popular concoction consisting of vodka, seven up, beer and country time lemonade).

I do believe I have spent the last 5 years kicking myself for sins of relatively little consequence. What I do remember also – are hugs at parties accompanied by enthusiastic ‘I LOVE YOU’s of late nights smoking outside on crisp nights. Of road trips. Of laughter.

And so I can only hope that is what will come to the minds of those girls and boys now turned women and men as we see each other again after navigating life more singly than we did before. That they once laughed, cried, bitched, sang, drank, confided in and danced with the redhead with the big smile who was certainly never perfect, but always strong.

Deep breath. Thank you for helping me prepare to walk down memory lane – also known as main street.

L-O-V-E

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Wed, 14 Feb 2007 18:17:00 -0600

In a slightly un-Scarlett like matter have come to a decision about this year's Valentine's Day. I have decided not to make gagging noises or annoyed gestures at the intertwined couples on metro trains, in restaurants or huddled together on sidewalk corners this year. And no, it is not because I find myself not all together single this February.

Instead I propose a celebration – of the people you do love today and the many ways in which you experience that feeling. So dear readers I encourage you to embrace the love around you:

Of your parents who will love you no matter what bonehead things you’ve done in the past or how much money you have recently borrowed after finding yourself unable to pay your phone bill post a trip to Atlantic City (sorry, Daddy!).

Of your friends who will take you home five minute after the New Year has begun and sit with you while you bawl your eyes out over boy living north of the border; who will make you laugh till you cry, validate your feelings, will take you to lunch and make you feel better about being you, and show you that you will never have to go it alone. I love you, my friends, from the bottom of my heart.

Of your pets who depend on you for everything and who love you unconditionally.

Of your brothers and sisters who despite family feuds, will always be there for you in the end.

Of your love of the written word, of books, and poetry, plays and blogs.

And most importantly, of yourselves. Knowing that none of us can be truly happy and whole in ANY relationship that Hallmark or Godiva may celebrate unless we are first whole ourselves. I encourage you to love not only the person that you are but the one you are striving to become.

Whether any of us will be fortunate enough to find that one special person to love us forever, in the meantime we should not ignore the love that surrounds us every day, celebrate it and embrace it.

This evening, for instance, I will be embracing my love of red wine, my love of thin crust veggie pizza and my love chic flicks that make me cry and perpetuate the hope of single women everywhere in happily every after.

Frankly,

YOS Status Report (Part 1 of 12)

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 08:10:00 -0600

And so, dear friends. We are 1/12^th of the way through 2007, I thought I’d provide you with a YOS status report. If you will recall, the goals of Year Of Scarlett were to take better care of myself (go to the gym, be healtier, go to the dr.); be productive; take better care of friendships, get rid of negative drama-covered people.

How are we doing so far? Let’s recap, shall we?

Days in the Gym: 13

Trips to the Vending Machine: 8 (BOO - I know)

Pounds Lost: 5 (Lost 8, Gained 3)

Hangovers: 2

Milestones: Broke up with Canadian (twice now – once over NYE, once last Tuesday night). I believe this is a milestone because #1. I have proven that I can stand up for myself and say 'I will not be treated this way' 'I'm better than this' and 'this is NOT what I want'. While I have always been a strong woman - and am the first to get feisty and kick some ass defending my friends, I have always been reluctant to stand up for myself where relationships are concerned. A product of being a middle child? Having braces and glasses as a kid? Not getting a pony at the age of 7? Who knows. Secondly this is indeed a first for me as I recognized that something was bad for me despite wanting it at the same time - and saying 'no'.

Fell in love lust with The Russian and am trying my hand at a HEALTHY relationship. THis is definitely a first. And a journey into new territory. I hope I have throurally prepared him and having known me for the better part of a decade he has a fair idea of what he's in for (quick temper, passionate, flirty, uber social, a tad crazy). If nothing else, it should be a wild ride.

COMING UP - February is off to a FANTASTIC start! My workouts and diet are all in line (can i just say ...my thighs and @ss.....OOOWWW! i'm in pain. whimper. fuss fuss.) But I WILL be ~~skinny~~, toned dammit :)

Singles awareness day is coming up - and while the Russian will arrive in town shortly after these cherubic festivities - I will be spending the dreaded Hallmark Holiday alone.

Anyone feel like cracking open a bottle of red with me??

Why oh Why?

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 19:30:00 -0600

I’m hung over, boys and girls. So ….because of my throbbing head and the fact that my eyes are half open, we’re resorting to updates in the form of bullets:

Why oh why are boys so weird? I was out Saturday night with my blogging partner in crime and as the night was winding down at 1 AM, we were definitely more interested in food than in any of the men around us and as is the case when I go out with HP, I’m usually having so much fun talking to her that I don’t even pay attention to the men around me. Anyhoo….we’re eating, chatting and plotting the deaths of boys who don’t return phone calls and all of a sudden a man walks up to me and says “you are beautiful, you know that?” (surprised, and speechless) “wow, …um…thank you?” “Stunning!” “thank you again?” and he walks out the door. What would possess a man to do this? Tell a girl she’s ‘stunning’ and then don’t ask her for her number!? Very odd. Don’t get me wrong. The compliment was disarming and very nice – especially after complaining about all the hordes of blonde, skinny bitches that seemed to follow us into every bar we went to. So here’s a tip for the menfolk – if you call a girl ‘stunning’, chances are she’ll want to talk to you – so STAY.

Why oh why oh why can’t I just shut up? I was on the phone with the Canadian last night after many many drinks and had to mention yesterday’s post – as we have a running joke about stupid people….and why is this a bad thing you ask? Canadian doesn’t know I have a blog. Canadian doesn’t know a lot of information that he would discover if he were to peruse TSL. So I made him promise not to go looking for it, and so far no Canadian flags have popped up on my site meter. So here’s hopin’ he WON’T look for it – or if he does, hopefully it won’t be ALL that easy to find. After all what could he search for? The name of my cat? Probably the subject of yesterday’s post? All of which I have googled and blogger-ed and this little web space is nowhere to be found. But why did I open my big mouth? Truth be told I’ve been dying to talk to him about the blogging – since I love it and get the occasional positive feedback. I’ve also wanted to tell him because he has a blog as well – so yes – I wanted to say, look at me! Look at me!

Why oh why do I feel the need to talk to Exs? SA is in the states – in Miami actually. And we have talked every night this week. He’s not good for me to talk to. He can be sweet, charming, etc. But he’s a manipulative little something-or-other and ….well…its best if we don’t speak. Will I heed this bit of self-advice this evening? Who knows.

Why oh why am I dateless? The Canadian is NOT coming to take me tothe wedding next weekend. So unless my favorite Irish boy in Detroit comes through….it’ll be me alone on a military base…hmmm…that could actually be kind of fun – but a definite recipe for trouble.

And Lastly….

Why oh why did I drink so much last night???

Table for One, Please?

scarlett@thescarlettletters.com (Scarlett) — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 14:04:00 -0500

I think I can say for the first time since I was about 14, that I am honestly happy to be single and I Honestly DON'T want a relationship right now.

Before when I would say that it would most certainly be a lie and only told for one of two purposes: 1) to appease my relatives at a family gathering, or 2) if I were talking to a guy and wanted to act like the independent, non-threatening, type so as not to scare him off. Don't get me wrong, I've never been the "out for marriage, MRS degree" type, hell! I've turned down 3 proposals already - if I wanted to get married I could have done it by now!

But honestly, I don't want a relationship.

It's so odd that this phrase is coming out of my mouth (or keyboard) and its actually sincere. It feels so good to admit it. It's really liberating! I don't feel the need to date. I don't feel a compelling reason to go out other than to hang out with my friends. No ulterior motives. No searching for a future ex-boyfriend.

I can't tell you the precise motivation behind this realization. Perhaps it's because I'm working so much and so all my free time I feel is best allocated to spending time with my friends and getting my MTQ (Mee Time Quota - an integral element in my sanity level). So maybe it's just a lack of downtime that hasn't left me wanting for a relationship.

Perhaps I've just gotten USED to being single. It's been almost a year since my last relationship - somewhat of a record for me. Maybe I'm just fed up with the bullshit. Maybe I'm so sick and tired of all the games, bad dates and general BS that one has to put up with while trying to find the fabled "one" that I would rather spend time receiving unconditional love from my cat than seeking it from a guy (but I'll bet you that's what the 80 year old cat woman living next door thought when she was 26...so perhaps this is a dangerous road to travel).

The thing that actually surprises me most is that I LIKE being alone! Recently I've even taken to having dinner alone on occasion. Sitting at a booth in my favorite dive bar working, writing, having a beer (sometimes a Marlborro Light as well) eating a grilled cheese sandwich (on wheat bread with tomato). I LOVE it! I also went to see a movie this weekend - alone (a small, indy film I didn't want to have to talk my friends into seeing or apologize for if it was bad). And I didn't feel like a looser.

Should I feel like an anti-social recluse? Or should I feel like an incredibly self assured woman who sometimes prefers her own company to that of strange men she pretends to be interested in for the evening? I'm hoping it's latter, but maybe I'm in denial. Wouldn't be the first time ya know.

I'm looking at this as a healthy thing and I hope you'll agree but it may make me look like a jaded, romantically cynical cat lady. Frankly, I suppose there are worse things to be.